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"Fuck Kevin Durant" - Lil' B.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

You're an Idiot: Toronto Maple Leafs Edition

As Leafs fans, can we all just agree this "throwing jerseys on the ice" shtick has got to stop? It was kinda funny the first time somebody did it last year in Edmonton, but it's been overdone, and frankly, it's real stupid.

This is so 2013.
Look, I don't give a shit about how throwing a jersey on the ice is "disrespectful to the history of storied organizations", I don't care about the voodoo superstitions players have about not letting their jerseys touch the ground, and I really don't care whether or not you're embarrassing your favourite team in their building. The reason you shouldn't throw your jersey onto the ice is because it's the most backwards and moronic "act of protest" anybody could possibly conceive.

Ever heard the phrase "money talks"? When you throw a jersey on the ice, you're telling your favourite franchise, "hey, I'm an idiot who will continue to spend a significant amount of money on your product, no matter how much I dislike it." Here's how much the average ACC jersey thrower will spend on Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment products to commit his "act of protest":

- two mid-level tickets to a Toronto Maple Leafs home game: $600
- eight Coors Light tall boys at ACC prices: $96 plus taxes.
- one Mike Komasarek jersey (thrown over the boards): $200
- one (insert overpaid free-agent offseason acquisition here) jersey the "tosser" will inevitably purchase ten games into next season when he's planning the 2016 cup parade: $200

So in order to throw a jersey on the ice, the average jersey tosser will hand about $1100 right back over to MLSE's books. If you're trying to hit a business where it hurts (and let's face it, your favourite professional sports team is a business), this is the stupidest way you could possibly do it. This is like renting a car from Enterprise, driving to Enterprise's head office, lighting a bag of dog shit on fire and running. Your symbolic act of defiance means jack to the company, because they've already got your money. In the case of the Maple Leafs, it means even less, because history has already proven YOUR DUMB ASS will be back in those seats the next opportunity you get.

"Thanks for the money, assholes!"
Look, if you wanna "make a statement" against the Leafs, stay home from the fucking game. Will MLSE miss your money? Probably not. But paying a shitload of cash to throw a temper tantrum in response to something you're complicit in (because you're the one who keeps paying to support a bad hockey team) makes you look like a total idiot to anybody with half a brain. It also makes you look like an asshole to people who can't afford those tickets, and a walking dollar sign to MLSE, so cut it out.

PS: You know that one friend who keeps dating hairdressers and then wondering why his romantic life is a hot mess? Well Leafs fans, that's us right now. For 47 frustrating years, the team has had countless different players, coaches, general managers, and even a few new owners. The one constant? Fans in Toronto will consistently pay top dollar to watch low quality hockey. I'm not pretending to have the cure for what ails the Leafs (if I did, I wouldn't be giving it away for free), but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with that. Jus' sayin.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

End of a Year 2014: The Albums

It's that time of year again kids. You're getting fat from eating all that food, drinking on a Tuesday night, and practically ceasing to give a fuck about the outside world entirely. Gather round the computer screen and open your present from good ol' Uncle Vince. Here it is -- the best albums of 2014.

Lil Durk

10. Dej Loaf- Sell Sole (Self Released)

It's funny how girls are actually better at rapping than dudes. Who'da thunk?

Listen to "I Got It"


9. Freddie Gibbs- ESGN (ESGN/Empire Distribution)

Yeah, I know this came out in 2013, but if the Grammys can nominate a year old album, then so can I.

Listen to "Eastside Moonwalker"


8. Lil' Durk- Signed to the Streets II (OTF/Coke Boys)

How come rap releases are always on two labels? And what the fuck happened to Chief Keef? Next year I think I'm gonna do "Top 10 Drinks I Drank that I'm Too Old to be Drinking" for a year end list.

Listen to "Live it Up"


7. Chris Brown- X (RCA)

A couple of these songs were swings and misses, but when it comes to making hits, nobody beats Chris Brown.

Listen to "Add Me In"


6. Xerxes- Collision Blonde (No Sleep)

This album sounds like what hardcore would sound like if all the hardcore kids who wear Joy Division shirts actually listened to Joy Division. Or if all those "wave" bands tried writing a really good hardcore album, instead of trying to sound like The National.

Listen to "Collision Blonde"


Self Defense Family
5. Self Defense Family- Try Me (Deathwish)

"Self Defense Family is the best band in the history of recorded music." - Self Defense Family.

Listen to "Tithe Pig"


4. J. Cole- 2014 Forest Hills Drive (Dreamville/Roc Nation)

I haven't even listened to a third of this album and it's already number four on my list. I dunno what that says about the rest of these albums, but whatever. There are some big tunes on this one.

Listen to "Fire Squad"


3. ScHoolboy Q- Oxymoron (TDE/Interscope)

Everytime I saw this commercial I was instantly reminded of Oxymoron and how much money you can make by selling prescription drugs (apparently). So not only did ScHoolboy Q create arguably the best rap album of 2014, he also unintentionally subverted the Canadian government by doing it. Pretty cool stuff.

Listen to "Los Awesome (feat. Jay Rock)"


2. PartyNextDoor- PARTYNEXTDOOR TWO (OVO Sound/Warner Bros.)

OVOXOYMCMBT.O416IX905CPKREPMYCITYCANTFUCKWITHUS BRAP BRAP BRAP!!!!

Listen to "Recognize (feat. Drake)"

PartyNextDoor
1. Lil Wayne- Tha Carter 10th Anniversary Reissue (Cash Money/Universal)

Wait, you're telling me there wasn't a 10th anniversary reissue for Lil Wayne's classic coming of age record? Damn Birdman, you need to hop on that punk rock greed train and get reissuing your back catalogue. I would've bought that shit on vinyl and I don't even have a record player.

But seriously though, this is basically the only album I listened to for the first half of this year. Fuck with it.

Listen to "Go DJ"

~~~

Honourable Mention: La Dispute- Rooms of the House; Kitty Pryde- Impatiens; Ratking- So it Goes; Riff Raff- Neon Icon; The Hotelier- Home, Like Noplace is There; Angel Du$t- A.D.; Space Pope- Long Live the Pope

5 Dope EPs: 

Self Defense Family- Two Genuine Oddities From Our Past
Self Defense Family- "Indoor Wind Chimes" b/w "Cottaging"
Self Defense Family- Split w. Meredith Hunter
Self Defense Family- I Tried to Make Something You Would Enjoy
Self Defense Family- Duets

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Swaggy P Teaches Us How to Mack.

Forever 21 has blessed us with a video of basketball player Nick Young, aka "Swaggy P" or "Iggy Azalea's boyfriend", sharing his tips on chatting up the ladies. The video begins with Young detailing how he courted Iggy by making her his #wcw, which is, oddly enough, how I met my current girlfriend Eugenie Bouchard (not srs). Young then goes on a tangent about vegetables or some shit, before Iggy interrupts him by yelling some indiscernible nonsense from off-camera. The two of them proceed to get in the world's cutest argument, then Young walks off the set while a bunch of people go "awww" and the video ends.

I think that's what happens anyways. TBH I was pretty high when I watched this, and I was more concerned with how a dude named Nick Young got the nickname "Swaggy P" then anything he had to say. Oh well. I'm sure he had some good advice, and I wish these two the best.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Throwback Thursday- Blink 182 edition


I remember being eight years old and *literally* pissing myself because I thought the lyrics to this song were so funny. 15 years later, they hit a little too close to home. 23 is a weird age. Half the time you're frustrated because you're a deadbeat who partied to much in college, and the other half you're frustrated because you wanna party like you're still in college. At least I haven't pissed myself yet this year.

PS what the actual fuck is going on in this music video?

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Movie Review: "John Wick"

Everyone knows that Keanu Reeves knows kung-fu, but what else can he do? As the lead role in Chad Stahelski's "John Wick," he does a little bit more than kick ass with his hands. Reeves plays an ex-hitman out for revenge after his dog is killed by Russian mobsters (No, seriously, that's what it's really about). Lots of veteran cast members including John Leguizamo, Willem Dafoe, and the guy who does the Mayhem commercials for Allstate make this movie a step above your average C-list action thriller. Although the beginning is kinda slow, the action picks up relatively quickly and goes strong all the way to the final scene. I wasn't too fond of the development of the characters, as most of the characters remained static throughout the film and there could have been a deeper back story for Keanu's character. Nonetheless, Reeves delivers a dark and ominous performance, which adds a new freshness to what could have easily been a cookie cutter Jason Statham flick. I should note that the soundtrack was excellent, a new Marilyn Manson track never hurts to throw in. Overall, I would have to give this movie the grade of B-. If I learned anything from watching this, it's not to fuck with John Wick.


Movie Review: "Dracula Untold"

Normally, if you tell me there's a movie about Count Dracula coming out, I get pretty excited. But unfortunately, Gary Shores' "Dracula Untold" was just another bunch of shit trying to ride the vampire fad train. The cast wasn't overly recognizable, mostly a bunch of "Oh, that's that dude from that thing that I never saw." The lead actress was kinda hot, so that's a plus, but besides that, this movie had nothing worth watching. The story was supposed to be a rewritten origin story for Vlad the Impaler, but it was just a bunch of cliches thrown together to make something sort of resemble an action flick; old dude who helps grant main character superhuman powers, the bad guy who looks like he just walked out of a greasy New Jersey strip club, and a shitty love story that tried to be relevant to the plot. I was also highly disappointed with the fight scenes. I get the fact that he can regenerate and has crazy strength, but the guy never loses a fucking fight, which really kills it for me. Also, how can you have a film with your lead character named Vlad the IMPALER, but only impales one guy throughout the entire film? Anyways, the movie was a large let down for me, so I have to give it a D grade. If you're into that kind of movie, it might be worth a download, but I assure you, not worth the $10 to see in theaters.