ATTN HARDCORE KIDS: Slipknot is clown ass bullshit

Y'all be listening to these guys?

It has been widely accepted that nu-metal is terrible since it was invented in 1994. However, in the last five years, kids who listen to extreme music have gone from sheepishly admitting they liked nu-metal when they were 12 to aggressively stanning it. Slipknot seems to be at the forefront of this revisionist history, as they appear more credible now than they've ever been. I have no idea how, because that shit sucks ass. Before I break down why, here are some caveats.

1. It's okay to enjoy music you liked when you were 12 years old. I listen to Hybrid Theory once a year and rock the fuck out. It's also okay to like shitty music. I will unabashedly listen to at least three Limp Bizkit songs on occasion. Liking music for nostalgia or novelty isn't much different from liking it because you think it's good. We can accept this and come to the objective realization that something is bad.
2. I am not Slipknot's target market. I grew up in a white-collar household and had a pretty serene childhood. I am not trying to belittle your experience. If this band genuinely helped you through a tough time, you get a pass to like them non-ironically and also to send me hate-mail. However, if your feelings on Slipknot are anything other than "this band saved my life and I owe them a lot" you should aggressively reconsider taking them seriously.
3. I've only ever listened to Iowa and a smattering of singles. I am open to suggestions. I used to think Youth of Today was clown bullshit for herbs and now I think they're pretty okay. I approach most music with an open mind, so feel free to try and sway me.

With that out of the way, let's begin.

My first introduction to Slipknot was watching the 2004 Grammys. My initial thoughts, as a pre-teen, were: "Wow. Nine dudes who wear clown masks and beat on garbage cans. That sounds pretty fucking stupid." 

I was a bright and discerning child. 

For many years, my opinions on Slipknot were never challenged. I got my music opinions from MuchMusic and Classic Rock Q107, whose snobby, Toronto-based talking heads constantly affirmed my disdain for nu-metal. Slipknot was sold to me as objectively bad and for weirdos.

Then I went to college and got into hardcore (haters: feel free to screenshot this, as if the fact that I started liking a genre after you did somehow makes Slipknot good). The people I met in the scene admitted that they used to like Slipknot in high school. Not anymore though, of course *hehehe*. Then, slowly but surely, the tide started to change. I would see a Slipknot shirt here, a positive tweet there. I distanced myself from the scene for a few years to focus on making rap (c'mon haters, I'm giving it to you on a platter), and when I came back, the love for Slipknot was full blown.

Like I said before, I have a pretty open mind when it comes to music, so I said to myself, "maybe Slipknot isn't as bad as I thought." I decided to listen to Iowa after about a year of seeing the band name plastered everywhere. I listened to it distracted, on the train. I didn't love it, but I could totally see why a hardcore kid would be into it when they were 12. I put it on the shelf for about a year, until last week, when I decided to listen to it with a more discerning ear.

I got four tracks in before I had to turn it off. 

Yo, I'm sure this shit was sick back before you had pubes on your dick, but you're a grown adult. Please think critically. I guess it's kinda cool that they were playing blast-beats on a major label release, but there are three corny butt-rock riffs for every one "cool" part. The lyrics sound like they were written by Dylan Klebold. I'm sure hearing "people equal shit" 64 times in one song made your heart pound when you got grounded in Sixth Grade, but for fuck's sake, that was 15 years ago. It totally baffles me that some of the people I see on Twitter will clown on Code Orange for saying "It's real now, motherfucker" and then go listen to a band that says "I wanna slit your throat and fuck the wound" like that isn't some stupid edgelord shit the trenchcoat kid in high school would be too ashamed to carve into his desk. Let's also not forget the fact that Slipknot, well into their 40's, are still a costume band. They're the fucking Wiggles in gimp masks, my friends. This shit is CORNY.

10x cooler than Slipknot

It's the year 2020. Let's all stop pretending Slipknot is geared towards anything except being a 12 year old in Middle America, watching StickDeath and drinking Jolt Cola. And if you're one of these GOOFS on Twitter aggressively shitting on Code Orange out one side of your mouth and then jizzing over Slipknot out the other, just wait till I'm crowned Supreme Leader. You're getting a one way ticket to the fucking gulag for being a grade-A poser. Might want to get deleting those Tweets while you still can.