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Monday, 1 July 2013

The Daily Snob's Beginner Guide To Metal

Today, I'm gonna talk to you about the mysterious world of heavy metal music. Though I'm not a metalhead by trade, I have spent a fair amount of time observing metal bands and their followers in the field. So, today, I present to you a comprehensive guide to the world of metal from an outsider's perspective. Here we go.

Chapter 1- Metal sucks ass.

The first thing you need to know about metal is that it's one of the most diverse genres of music out there. Metal runs the spectrum from being the most abrasive, relentless unlistenable garbage on the face of the earth to the most orchestral, complex unlistenable garbage on the face of the earth (sometimes in one song!). Yet for all it's diversity, the one thing that binds metal together is the fact that it's all unlistenable garbage. To prove my point, here's a video made by a metalhead comparing what he thinks is "good music" to what he thinks is "bad music."
Aspie alert: Don't watch past 1:15 of this video.

At the beginning of this video, our esteemed culture critic PMRants does a great job showing us the real depths of metal's ass sucking ability. Every one of those six songs he chooses at the beginning of the video comes from a different sub-genre of metal, and to the highly trained ear, may even sound different! Yet all those songs have one thing in common: nobody in their right mind would want to listen to any of them. Shitty-ness is the bond that holds all metal -- be it complex and inaccessible or formulaic and polished -- together.

Chapter 2- Even the metal you like sucks ass.

To most of the human population, metal is virtually unlistenable. However, if you expose yourself to metal long enough, you may begin to find it palatable, and even begin to identify with it. It is important to remember that if you begin to enjoy metal, it's only because it speaks to flaws in your character. Under no circumstance can metal be considered "good music."

For further proof, please compare the psychoanalytic test results of a typical "casual metal fan" to the metal music he listens to:

Strong indication of sadomasochistic behavior, derelict
sexual tendencies possible.

Attention Deficit Disorder present. Possible Canadian.

could indicate repressed homosexuality, or worse, Dallas
Cowboys fandom.

While indulging your dark side can be healthy from time to time, it's important to never suffer from the delusion that metal is actually good music. Championing the "quality musicianship" or "total complexity" of metal is a sign that you have given in to your vices and are now probably a sociopath. If you find yourself arguing about Dream Theater on Metalsucks, contact your local physician and seek help immediately. If you find yourself posting on Lambgoat in any capacity, contact your local gun store and kill yourself immediately.

Chapter 3: Metalcore; metal's retarded cousin.

Now that you know the basics of metal, let's explore a real life example of what happens when you let metal get out of control. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you Metalcore; a Cautionary Tale.

metalcore started innocuously enough, but it wasn't long
before shit started to get weird.

Beginning in the late eighties, a certain subset of metalheads began to stray beyond the confines of their basements and intermingle with different subcultures. When these brave adventurers found the equally dogmatic and socially awkward subculture of "hardcore punk", something clicked. Before long, the two subcultures combined, ushering in a new musical style called "metalcore", and with it, a period some historians begrudgingly refer to as "the 90's."

At first, things seemed to be going pretty well. But unbeknownst to many, the seemingly innocuous combination of two terrible musical styles had already set off a chain reaction that would culminate in the perfect storm of musical shitty-ness. First of all, metalheads' propensity to wallow in sorrow mixed with punkers' uncanny ability to project insecurities on other people combined to create some pretty dogmatic social activism.

Then, metal's complete disregard for song structure or dynamics, mixed with hardcore's complete disregard for actually learning how to play an instrument led to some pretty interesting musical arrangements.

Pretty soon, the mind-numbing power of metalcore's music, combined with it's neo-liberal approach to social issues erupted into full-on fascism. This is when shit really started to get weird.

And you can only hide guilt-ridden, sexually repressed groupthink from the Christians for so long before they want a piece of the action.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the zenith of metalcore.

Thus, metalcore has continued to devolve into what it was ultimately destined to be; dweebs screaming misogynist gibberish over structure-less guitar noise. Which, now that I think about it, pretty much sums metal up in one sentence anyways. 

Yeah, TL;DR Metal is just a bunch of dweebs screaming misogynist gibberish over structure-less guitar noise. Class dismissed.