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Tuesday, 20 January 2015

You're an Idiot: Toronto Maple Leafs Edition

As Leafs fans, can we all just agree this "throwing jerseys on the ice" shtick has got to stop? It was kinda funny the first time somebody did it last year in Edmonton, but it's been overdone, and frankly, it's real stupid.

This is so 2013.
Look, I don't give a shit about how throwing a jersey on the ice is "disrespectful to the history of storied organizations", I don't care about the voodoo superstitions players have about not letting their jerseys touch the ground, and I really don't care whether or not you're embarrassing your favourite team in their building. The reason you shouldn't throw your jersey onto the ice is because it's the most backwards and moronic "act of protest" anybody could possibly conceive.

Ever heard the phrase "money talks"? When you throw a jersey on the ice, you're telling your favourite franchise, "hey, I'm an idiot who will continue to spend a significant amount of money on your product, no matter how much I dislike it." Here's how much the average ACC jersey thrower will spend on Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment products to commit his "act of protest":

- two mid-level tickets to a Toronto Maple Leafs home game: $600
- eight Coors Light tall boys at ACC prices: $96 plus taxes.
- one Mike Komasarek jersey (thrown over the boards): $200
- one (insert overpaid free-agent offseason acquisition here) jersey the "tosser" will inevitably purchase ten games into next season when he's planning the 2016 cup parade: $200

So in order to throw a jersey on the ice, the average jersey tosser will hand about $1100 right back over to MLSE's books. If you're trying to hit a business where it hurts (and let's face it, your favourite professional sports team is a business), this is the stupidest way you could possibly do it. This is like renting a car from Enterprise, driving to Enterprise's head office, lighting a bag of dog shit on fire and running. Your symbolic act of defiance means jack to the company, because they've already got your money. In the case of the Maple Leafs, it means even less, because history has already proven YOUR DUMB ASS will be back in those seats the next opportunity you get.

"Thanks for the money, assholes!"
Look, if you wanna "make a statement" against the Leafs, stay home from the fucking game. Will MLSE miss your money? Probably not. But paying a shitload of cash to throw a temper tantrum in response to something you're complicit in (because you're the one who keeps paying to support a bad hockey team) makes you look like a total idiot to anybody with half a brain. It also makes you look like an asshole to people who can't afford those tickets, and a walking dollar sign to MLSE, so cut it out.

PS: You know that one friend who keeps dating hairdressers and then wondering why his romantic life is a hot mess? Well Leafs fans, that's us right now. For 47 frustrating years, the team has had countless different players, coaches, general managers, and even a few new owners. The one constant? Fans in Toronto will consistently pay top dollar to watch low quality hockey. I'm not pretending to have the cure for what ails the Leafs (if I did, I wouldn't be giving it away for free), but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with that. Jus' sayin.