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Monday, 25 June 2012

Advice to a Friend Part 1

This is a letter I wrote to a friend regarding my recent epiphany in relation to the fairer sex. It was originally meant for a few close friends, but they encouraged me to share it, so here we are. This is intended for dudes like us who've never been too great with the ladies: it's not necessarily advice on how to "pick up chicks," rather on how to be more confident in regards to love, sex and women in general. I hope those reading learn something from/enjoy this.

Part 2 can be found here.

Love is not a victory march.

However, it's easy to think differently, because our society builds love and sex up to be the two most important things on the face of the earth. TV and movies would have you believe that once you find love, all your problems will dissappear; that you'll be riding through a sheet of warm fuzzy bliss, too wrapped up in the affection of your significant other to be concerned with mere mortal problems. “Happily ever after”. They'll also have you believe there's this secret game you have to play to unlock a woman's desire. You have to log enough man hours, beat all the levels, and aquire the right items before you finally get to “save the princess” so to speak.

To put it bluntly, that's all a complete load of shit. In fact, the opposite is far closer to the truth. In terms of sex, if a woman finds you somewhat interesting, kind, and physically attractive, there's a good chance she'll sleep with you. Despite what they might have you believe, women enjoy sex just as much as men do, perhaps more. The women who are attracted to you (and there are more than you'd think) aren't waiting for you to unlock some secret code to their pants, they're waiting for you to be direct with them.

As for love, holy shit. A romantic relationship is one of the most rewarding experiences you can have in your life, but here's the catch: it's a FUCKTON of work. The time, effort, emotional energy and money you'll expend in a love relationship is mind-boggling. Don't get me wrong, there are few things more breathtaking then waking up in the arms of someone you care about, but with that comes its fair share of crying yourself to sleep, punching holes in drywall, acting like a jealous fool, and straight up feeling like a bag of shit because of your actions. And if you think about it, at the age of 20, spending your time and energy on a love relationship isn't always worth it.

About a month ago our cleaning lady was talking about her 28 year-old son. This dude, despite the fact that he doesn't really seem to be going anywhere fast, has had no problem culling attractive ass his entire life. Admirable, right? Well his mom seemed to think otherwise:

“You know what his problem is?” she said to me, “he's spent so much of his time chasing pretty girls that he's never done anything for himself.”

That really stuck with me. This guy's spent his entire 20's fucking motorcross girls and dating models. From the outside looking in, that seems pretty legit, until you consider the fact that this guy's gonna hit 30 without really ever doing anything interesting. Hopefully he can get his shit together enough to have some cool experiences, but by this point, he's too old to really make anything unique and interesting of himself. When you're that age, you have real life responsibilities. You can't just drop everything to work on some pot-shot startup or join a band and hit the road or learn Spanish or whatever the hell else you can do when you're 20 just for the hell of it. This guy's essentially traded the most interesting years of his life for some sweet motorcross pussy.

Think about all the other things that are important to you in your life. You want to start a successful career. You want to express yourself creatively. You want to travel. You want to have experiences with your family and friends. You want to take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. As amazing as a relationship is, it's just another thing on the to-do list – and a rather time consuming, emotionally draining thing at that.

I'm not saying you should avoid a relationship, but why spend so much time pursuing it/thinking about it? And why beat yourself up about it when it doesn't happen? Instead, treasure the time you have being single. If you get lonely, spend time with the people you love. It might not be as reaffirming as the soft touch of a woman, but spending time with friends and family will make you feel just as appreciated. If you need to be gratified, spend time doing the shit you love. At this point in my life, I'd rather write a good song then have sex. That's not me being jaded either; this is from a dude who's had sex maaaybe 15 times in the last three years. I'd love to get laid right now (like literally, right fucking now), but actually creating something you're proud of is waaaaay more fulfilling than getting your dick wet. So realistically, there's not a whole lot you experience outside of a relationship that you can't substitute or get by without when you're single.

TL;DR: Stop giving a fuck.

If you're not in a relationship, and you don't know how to get to one, stop worrying about it. You've made it this far without a girlfriend, right? You're doing cool shit with your life, you have interests and experiences, you're slowly but surely making your way to the place you want to be. You don't need somebody else in your life to validate you; you're doing great on your own.

Oh, and here's the best part: once you stop caring, the women will start flocking to you like a motherfucker. Not because you've become “a douchebag, and women only like douchebags,” but for very practical and understandible reasons.

First of all, all that time you've started putting towards your own interests instead of chasing tail will eventually start to pay off. Imagine where you'll be in 2 years with a good paying job that makes you a confident, well adjusted person because you essentially get paid decent money to do fun shit for eight hours a day. Oh yeah, and you also have great stories about the stuff you've done in your spare time because you're out doing that instead of at home getting nagged at by some b-rate girlfriend you met on the Internet. Aaaaand you're taking care of your body (even to a basic “I don't want to die at 50” extent) so you're looking pretty damn good too. Shit, by this point you're pretty much the full package.

Also, because you've more or less taken yourself off the market, demand for you will skyrocket. Girls aren't stoked on a guy who jumps at every chance he gets; they want a challenge. They want to feel like they've earned you, not like they just ended up with some dude. This might sound like “secret woman-brain magic,” but it can actually be explained by pretty basic economics. Think about it in terms of cars; if I were to give you an option between driving a Toyota Corolla and a Bentley, which would you take? Seems obvious, right? A Toyota Corolla will get your ass to and from work every day for the next 14 years just fine. But yo, FUCK THAT SHIT, you're taking the Bentley. Ever driven a Bentley? Nope. For all you know the handling could be complete shit and the seats could hurt your ass. But who cares? Every asshole and his brother have a Corolla, you wanna turn heads. Same thing goes for girls when it comes to picking men. This is what economists call the scarcity principle. A desired good (which you will be/probably already are) becomes more desireable the harder it is to obtain, therefore driving the price up. The price in this case being the awesomeness/hotness/smartness of the chicks who want you.

Finally, and most importantly, when you stop giving a fuck your ability to talk to women skyrockets. Why's that? Simple, because you don't give a fuck. Right now, every time you see a hot chick, your brain's probably all like “holy fuck what should I say? How should I say it? Was that a funny joke? Is she laughing because that was funny or is she laughing out of pity? Is there something in my teeth?” When you don't give a fuck, you're able to actually have a conversation like you would with a friend or colleague. Now, instead of coming off as awkard or unapproachable, you'll be actually impressing them with how smart you are and making them laugh like an idiot because you're hilarious. I don't think I need to explain why this is a good thing.

Part deux ici.

Advice to a Friend Part 2

Here's part two of the letter I wrote to my friend regarding women. Part one can be found here.

Now I know exactly what you're thinking. “Not give a fuck, how is that possible?” I know where you're coming from. It's hard when you're cold and lonely and watching romantic comedies to not think about being with somebody else. Well first off, you can always just preoccupy yourself with what's at hand, which works wonders for when you're trying to accomplish other shit, but there's only one way to unlock that next-level “Can I say FF on TV?” attitude: you have to ask somebody out and get rejected. It's a scary proposition, but it's absolutely necessary. I can sit here and type essays at you till my fingers fall off, but you'll never be able to fully grasp how ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LITTLE getting shot down matters until it actually happens to you.

About a month ago, I asked a (non POF) girl out for the first time since I was 17. I decided I liked this girl a lot, and I thought I was getting vibes from her, so I decided to buck up and tell her I wanted to “get to know her better.” Turns out I got her signals wrong, because she wasn't down for it. At first it was pretty embarrasing, then for about 24 hours afterwards, it really sucked. But after that subsided, I realized something: I was still alive and well. The world hadn't ended. Shit, our friendship didn't even end – if anything it's gotten stronger because we've gotten the whole thing out of the way and I don't feel the need to be anyone but myself around her. Now, when I approach women, I actually give zero fucks, because I know only good things can come of it. That alone is a really, really powerful feeling. But like I said; I can preach this shit till I'm blue in the face but it won't mean shit unless you experience it for yourself. Hell, ask the girl out on Facebook; that's what I did! if anything, there's a better chance of being rejected, which means greater potential for success on this mission. This is an abso-fucking-lute must-do, no matter how daunting it seems.

An important caveat to the “give no fucks” attitude, and to dealing with chicks in general, is that you have to treat women – and yourself – with respect. I don't think I need to tell you this, but it's noteworthy. You MUST remember that women aren't objects to be won over but actual people with a will and a sex drive that you can't control and shouldn't try to. Likewise, you don't need to go for the low hanging fruit because you have a need to be loved/wanted – it's not a good look and it's not fair to those girls. It's far more respectful to everyone involved and far more likely to work if you treat this less like a game of Risk and more like a love relationship with another human being. Oh and if a girl rejects you, it's not because she's a heartless bitch and/or you're a worthless sack of shit – it's because she sees the two of you as incompatible romantically. Instead of perseverating on it, move past it and nurture your friendship. If you thought she'd make a good lover, she'd sure as hell make a good friend, so really you have nothing to lose by moving on and not being a weirdo about it.

So yeah, that's the end of my rant. I honestly can't say my approach will work, because I only feel more desireable, not because I'm reaping the reward yet, so maybe I'm wrong. But on the flipside, I ACTUALLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE, so it doesn't even matter. If nothing else it's a really, really powerful feeling to be able to approach an attractive woman and not give a flying fuck about how the conversation will go.

Hope this was helpful or informative in any way.