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"F*** Kevin Durant" - Lil' B.

Sunday, 31 May 2015

The Triple B: Are you getting enough of them in your diet?

The letter B. It's not all in your face like an A or an X or even those shithead Q's. B is a strong letter, a letter of passion and fire. And what's better than one B? Two Bs. You wanna know what's even better than two Bs. Ladies and Gents, may I present to you, the Triple B.

Now some of you are unfamiliar with the term "triple B" and you might left wondering, "Hey Trey, what in God's name are you talking about?" Without getting too much into the whole theory behind what makes a triple b mesmerizing, essentially, a triple B is what happens when you get three great things that start with the letter B and group them into something almost too awesome to be possible, but not too awesome to be impossibly imaginable. I know we are all a bunch of twentysomething year olds, so maybe you'll catch on once I put some pictures explaining in more detail.

The Classic: Beer, Bourbon, Barbecue

Look at this guy: Camo, check. Beer utility belt, check. Burgers on full blast, check. This guys ready to party. I know you can't see it with the naked eye, but there's a 93.7% chance that some of those pockets are filled with airplane Johnny Walkers. This Triple B has been tried and tested for thousands of years, and no matter how long us humans continue to do it, we will always strive to be kings of the grilled arts. If anyone ever invites you to this sort of gathering, please bring one of the aforementioned items, but if circumstances permit, you may pull a power play and bring the other food-related Triple B, as listed below:

The Fundamentals: Burgers, Brats, and Buns

Ever sit at home and wonder, "Damn, how can I enjoy being an apex predator in the quickest and most efficient way possible?" Look no further: red meat and enriched wheat products eliminate that thought. These are food items that have been evolving through time, constantly on the path to perfection. You see that picture up there? Yeah, if your a vegetarian, TRY and tell me that looks disgusting, I dare you. 

The Rapper's Delight: Beamer, Benz, or Bentley

Three fantastic car companies, a hit rap song, girls who are so shallow that they are impressed with a material possession; this triple B amassed it's own fan base before Mr. Lloyd Banks put a name on it. Now, this triple B did have some turbulence. Back when I was in high school, this song came out, and I swear, the next year, over half the school owned one of these trusty mechanical steeds. But, with climbing insurance rates and gas prices, this triple B was served humble pie at the right time before it got too big for its own good (Thanks BP).

The Dream Girl: Blonde, Big Boobs, Big Butt

Surprisingly, it's much harder to find a PG-13, non-nude photo for this triple B than I originally anticipated. Women of the world, I let you in on a little guy secret: when you catch us checking out a girl and you ask us, "Do you think she's prettier than me?", we say no, and we genuinely mean it....most of the time. Every guy loves a stunning, voluptuous blonde. Don't try and act like you're better than all of us because you think you don't like blondes. You simply haven't seen a true triple B yet, and that's okay. One day you will, and you will remember that day for the rest of your life.

Of course, there's sports: The Killer B's

If you watched even the slightest bit of baseball in the 90's, then you are already well familiar with this triple B. This triple B is so potent, they are dubbed the Killer B's. Anytime you use the word "killer" as an adjective, good chance that shit could get real at any moment.  Large discussion for this triple B stems from the 3rd member. Some say its Lance Berkman, some say Derrick Bell. Either way works for me to be honest. So what did these "Killer B's" do in baseball? Over 5 seasons, Biggio-Bagwell-Bell combined for a 75.1 WAR, while the Berkman version comes in at 52.8 WAR. In leyman's terms, the Killer B's were responsible for 15.02 and 10.58 wins each year. (respectively, of course) Stat Source: and Baseball-Reference

Well, I hope I was able to give you some insight about the majestic Triple B. Comment below with some of your own Triple B's and always remember: 2 wrongs don't make a right, 3 rights makes a left, and once you see more than 3 B's, just sit down, shut up, and enjoy it.

Thursday, 28 May 2015

My Top 10 Favourite Smells

Here is a very important top ten list to add to the endless compendium of meaningless lists on the internet. Eat your heart out, lovelies!

University of Florida Campus in Gainesville, FL. Arguably the best smelling place ever.
My Top 10 Favourite All Time Smells:

10. Fruit punch
9. Gasoline (feint)
8. Lavender
7. Sunscreen/dirt/sweat medley
6. The ocean
5. Baked apples
4. Dew
3. The entire state of Florida
2. New car
1. Dank ass kush

So there you have it folks, my top 10 favourite smells. Tune in next week to see if your local Cracker Barrel made it to my list of Top 10 Interstate Fast Food Bathrooms!

Sunday, 24 May 2015

Sportsology: Because you know you want to

This week, we are here to talk about sports and the current state of athletics in North America (don't worry, everyone's invited). A lot of stuff goin' on in the media, and we don't take kindly to the way media has been portraying these athletes.

I'll go ahead and list the highlights of this post right now, so if you aren't interested, go do what you please. I won't be offended:

  • How I feel about LeBron James as of right now
  • The Tom Brady thing
  • Protentials with US sports due to USA being sandwiched between Canada and Mexico
  • Personal favorite athletes who exemplify true sportsmanship
Like I said, won't get offended this piece doesn't fit your fancy. Just here to spread some opinions, nadameen? Let's get crackin'!

LeBron, LeBron, LeBron...

Oh LeBron James. I'm not gonna lie; you play games with my mind like a teenage relationship. You do one thing really good, and you seem like a great person, then you do something that's like meh. I get it. You are media target number one at all times. Companies wanna pay you to promote their shit, you wanna play basketball, ya need to get paid to support your family, every little kid wants to be you and/or be better than you, and that's a lot of pressure. But I can sorta tell that your genuinely a good person, and probably one of the top athletes in the world. I still have a problem with the way your basketball game is, although that you've been producing like you have for so long, I'm starting to overlook it. You move too mechanically, you play as if you came from the future with supreme knowledge and half-cyborg, which to me, isn't a very appealing style of play. I personally think Carmelo and KD are more exciting to watch. Plain and Simple.

But Bron Bron, you gotta keep it loose, mentally and physically. I know you say the haters don't get to you, but I can tell the do a little bit, through the way you play, you speak to the media, etc. If you're the best basketball player in the world, you gotta look at it differently: no reason to keep reaching perfection, you'll never reach it. You just gotta gotta have fun with it, cause it won't last. And when it ends, do YOU want to remember yourself as the hardest working man in the league, or do you want to have fun and go out with a bang?

Deflategate: I feel dirty just saying it

This wasn't a scandal. It was a premeditated action. It was cheating. Sanctions. Punishment. I think I have the perfect picture for this:
Ahhh, that's better. Well, now that we have that out of the way, I'm going to make this as short as possible. Guys, this isn't the first time its happened. Any sort of sports scandal you see in the media, it's probably been done before, and to make it even worse, its more than likely been done at minor and youth levels. Now, deflating balls is cheating. Horrible sportsmanship, but now that the Patriots have been found out, they are gonna come back, clean and play by the rules and still dominate. And I'm not even a Boston sports fan. The fact that this is getting more coverage than the Aaron Hernandez case (you know, that guy that killed somebody) leaves me puzzled.

USA, Canada, and Mexico: Powerhouses, but could (and should) become a powercontinent for sports

America is in a great geographical location for sports. To the north, we have the Canadians, strong winter sports athletes, not to mention the best of the elites in the hockey world. As an American, I totally understand that the USA-Canada Olympic Ice Hockey rivalry is purely territorial. We never stand a chance, but we like to take our chances from time to time.

Now, to the south, our lovely neighbor Mexico. Mexicans have a passion so deep for soccer, it makes them good. Not that they need to make up for skill (traditionally, Mexico plays a very dribbling heavy style of play, individual skill is an absolute must), but its their love of the game that makes them always a serious opponent in international soccer. 

What I don't get is why USA wants to continue to excel in sports at a national level? Truth be told, if American Football became an international sport, nobody would be able to compete with us. Look at the US Men's Basketball team. We don't even have to send our best players, and yet we still dominate basically every other country in the world. Woop-de-fucking-doo. We are good at something that no other country plays and a sport which we have no true competition. But any other sport that other countries play, America stands little to no chance in sports. Canada is the best hockey country in the world, makes up a large portion of teams in the NHL, and yet, the league struggles every year due to poor attendance, horrible marketing, and just a general lack of interest in the sport. If we had any sense and true pride, we would be pushing hockey more in the media, instead of some 4x6 inch ad that offers free parking if the Stars get a shut out.

Same goes with soccer. Americans always have this surge of soccer, usually during the world cup. Which is fine. You will never see me disapprove of someone else's patriotism expressed by supporting your countries national team. But, as with hockey, the sustainability of the interest for soccer fades rapidly once the USMNT gets knocked out. In my opinion, I think we need to start integrating the MLS more with international soccer. Sure, MLS teams stand no chance against a polished team like Manchester United, Real Madrid, or Bayern Munich, and that's okay. It's the exposure to better, foreign opponents that's going to raise interest in the volatile mind of an American sports fan. And once we can raise interest and awareness, uhh, I don't know if y'all know this, but sports with strong fan followings profit immensely financially and increase overall potential talent ceiling of the team, league, organization, club, etc, etc. Simply put: The more fans you have, the more money you make. The more money you make, the more financial freedom to spend on keeping better players playing in their home countries. The more your better players play in your home country, the better your national team becomes. The better your national team beco- I think you get the point.

Lastly, Good ole fashion Sportsmanship Awards (TVD Hiem style)

If you read all the way through this post so far, thank you and please share your comments down below. If you didn't read the post, but you were interested in seeing if your favorite athletes are on this list, I'm all for it and I hope I don't disappoint you too much. FINALLY, WITH THAT BEING SAID, I would like to hand out some TVD Hiem Sportsmanship Awards. This is more hall of fame, league of extraordinary gentlemen type shit rather than the Espys. Enough talk, here are 3 individuals well deserving of this award.

1. Brock Hekking, American College Football

Awarded For: Mullet. Check. Beats. Check. Pregaming Ray-Bans. Check. Dude, this guy is just a shining display of what its like when you have fun playing sports. Not to mention, he's a first-team conference player in a pretty talented conference.

2. Andrew "Hamburglar" Hammond, NHL Hockey

Awarded For: This guy earned is award for 2 things: 99% of it is what he did on the ice. Basically, 3rd string goalie, other guys get hurt, Hamburglar steps in, goes 20-1-2 (don't know hockey well, but that's gotta be pretty damn good), helps the Sens get into the playoffs, and just recently singed a deal worth about $3 million USD over 3 years. The other 1%? He's got the fucking Hamburglar painted on his goalie mask. Enough said.

3. The entire company GoPro

Awarded For: You really want to see happy people? Just go sift through the GoPro YouTube channel and you'll see tons of athletes and professionals doing some of the craziest things you can imagine. Definitely worth the look. Here's a personal favorite:

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Throwback Thursday- The Weeknd Edition

#TBT to last year, when I heard this song literally one million times a day on Flow 93.5 while driving my Weed Man truck around. Flow recently switched to some dumb format where it's apparently #TBT every day, which means all they play now are Aaliyah songs from 1998. So I guess #TBT to last year when Flow 93.5 was still good.

Lol jk. I still love you Melanie.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Celebrity Mindreader, vol. 1

Holy shit, if your like me and getting stoned in the middle of the afternoon while watching Jeopardy, than you will be well amused by the entity that is Celebrity Jeopardy. Now, normally, 2 bowls deep, I do pretty well through the first round and kinda fall asleep by final Jeopardy. I'm no fucking Einstien, but I manage. But now, Alex Trebeck, a highly respected Canadian among the American population, had decided to stoop down to retard level so some B list celebrities can give a couple grand to some charity that no one has ever heard of. The true gold comes from Mr. Trebeck asking these "celebrities" questions about their own shows and personal lives, and still manage to get them wrong. I swear, the faces these people make are beautiful. So it has inspired me to create a new series called Celebrity Mindreader. I would explain it, but if you read through I think you get the jist:

1. Debra Messing 

"I'm, like, 5000% sure I said no milk in my latte. But you're a 16 year old stupid ass bitch who calls herself a barista; I'm sure you know exactly what the fuck you're doing."

2. Bruce Jenner

"Swerve, bitch."

3. Jennifer Lawrence


4. Jeff Goldblum

"Alright guys *sniff*, first things first: we need to get some more of that coke."

5. Rob Gronkowski

"Well Tom, Heim's theory wasn't meant to become factual or certain at any point in time. Sure, he claimed that his theory could produce particle masses from fundamental physical constants and all of the resulting masses are in agreement with his original experi- OH SHIT CAMERA! QUICK, HIDE YOUR INTELLIGENCE!"

I will normally only be doing about 5ish, but this week yall get a special bonus

6. Ryan Lochte

"(Ryan Lochte's thought process is an enigma, a pandora's box of treasureful quotes and quips. It would be disrespectful to the comedy gods to even attempt to read such a pure and perfect mind, so here is a actual Ryan Lochte quote.)"

Sunday, 10 May 2015

What the sports just happened?

Freaky sh*t (haven't posted in a while, don't know if we gotta censor our sh*t now) went down the other day in sports. We all know Atlanta has some of the worst sports fans in the world, and somebody decided to play a very tasteful prank upon the city:

In the NBA Playoffs....

  • Paul Pierce scored a buzzer beater against the Atlanta Hawks
  • Paul Pierce plays for the Washington Wizards
  • Paul Pierce wears no. 34
In MLB Regular Season...

  • Bryce Harper had a walk-off hit in the bottom of the 9th against the Atlanta Braves
  • Bryce Harper plays for the Washington Nationals
  • Bryce Harper wears no. 34

I'm not saying, but I'm just saying...