Another day, another bozo getting cancelled on hardcore Twitter for acting weird.
A No Echo contributor recently got dragged for sending this strange, invasive question to the singer of a band in an interview.
The dude, to his credit, owned up and made another (pretty cringey) apology post. He was subsequently dunked on by like 40 people whose reactions ranged from genuine calls for accountability to typical Twitter BS.
Such is the nature of online cancellation.
I cringe when I look at this dude's behaviour. Everything about it is cringey as fuck. I also can't deny, it hits a little close to home.
I used to be the type of weird little nerd who might try something like this. I read feminist literature. I vocally advocated for women's rights and sex positivity (interesting how dudes seem to group these concepts together...). I wore the "consent is sexy" shirt I got from volunteering on campus.
Yet I constantly disrespected or overstepped people in an effort to get with them. Surprise, surprise, it didn't work. I was never an outright creepazoid, but I would try these little passive aggressive "moves" to have women engage with me in ways that I was too afraid to ask for.
We have to acknowledge that doing shit like this is not the move if we're trying to create a space where everyone feels welcome.
I mean it's not the move regardless, but hey.
Let's get a few things out of the way before I go any further.
1) I am not privy to the entire details of the specific situation mentioned above. This could be the tip of the iceberg. The dude could be a total fucking rapist for all I know. I am using the above scenario as a springboard to talk about "nice guy incel" behaviour, and for all intents and purposes, the rest of this article is about an abstract topic, not any specific incident.
2. I am sure, with the diversity of sexual attractions and orientations in the hardcore scene, this type of behaviour affects more than just women. I'm using the term "women" because it's easier and because this entitled behaviour is (in my experience) most prominent with straight, cis men.
3.I'm not trying to soft-condone this shit and make it seem better (or worse) than any other creepy shit women may encounter. The victim in these situations ultimately decides the impact the behaviour has on them.
4. THIS IS NOT A GUIDE ON HOW TO GET LAID. This is advice on how to approach certain relationships for the benefit of yourself, and more importantly, the people around you. You're thinking with your dick if you're reading this with the hopes of learning how to break free from involuntary celibacy. That's what created this problem in the first place.
So if you think you might be the guy I'm talking about, it's time for a gut check.
I mean let's face it. Most of the dudes in the camp of "nice guy incel" have some weird Dunning-Kruger complex where they think women respect and feel safe around them because they performatively champion women's rights or call for inclusion and representation or "listen to female artists" or some shit.
Here's the kicker, though. Women typically form sexual/romantic relationships with people they respect or at least trust, so if you're out here trying and failing to form these types of relationships, women probably don't trust or respect you. I would guess that's because you're actively trying to leverage their identity to get into their pants.
You can't seem to form healthy romantic relationships with women even though you're out here waving the "women's rights" flag? You need to seriously look in the mirror and ask yourself what your intentions are.
You have to stop the performative behaviour right now, before you send another DM or try to flirt with another woman at a show.
I'm not saying you're unworthy of love and affection. I'm saying, right now, you're doing more harm than good,.You need to learn some things about yourself and the world around you before you can start building healthy relationships.
1. Go to therapy and learn what boundaries are.
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| Same dude btw |
Look at the example above. This dude is literally trying to get with women under the guise of "working together" in the hardcore scene. Be more transparent. Stop trying to passively assert yourself over people with backhanded bullshit that doesn't have any place in the conversation you're having. Getting involved in hardcore is a great way to meet people and make friends, but meeting someone doesn't give you an in to immediately start flirting. Contacting a photographer to use their photos establishes the boundaries of your relationship as a professional one.. You're contacting people in these scenarios who expect you to act professionally, and when you don't do that, you're violating their trust.
Unlearning this takes practice. You should really be working on this with a therapist, because real world people are not your crash test dummies to unpack predatory weirdness. Proceed with an abundance of caution if you can't access therapy. Keep the flirting PG-13 and only on dating sites or other spaces where it's UNIVERSALLY considered acceptable.
2. Learn how to tell when people actually like you.
This builds on the concept of boundaries. I thought, as a nice guy incel, that romantic attraction worked like this -- you pick the object of your affection and then calculate every interaction with them in an effort to make them like you back. That's not how it works. That's actually manipulation and bullying. Learn to let interactions develop naturally and take queues from people's verbal and physical reactions. You'll be surprised how many opportunities there are to build relationships once you stop wearing blinders and acting weird. There are plenty of resources on the internet for how to do this, but you're gonna have to dig through some red-pill turds to find the good stuff.
Using your big boy words is also key. Telling someone you're interested in them is an invitation to set new boundaries for your relationship, giving the other person a choice of whether to indulge with you or set a boundary of their own. Silently and continually trying to push someone's boundaries to where you want is not only creepy, it's also way less effective than just having a tough conversation.
3. Learn how to be an actual ally
Most activists will tell you there's nothing worse than a performative ally, and I can't think of anything more performative than using feminism to try and get in a woman's pants. I found flying the flag and trying to speak on behalf of women usually meant I was speaking over them in some capacity. Supporting safety and equality should be part of your values, not your costume or your elevator pitch.
There's definitely more to talk about, and I could probably go on about this all day. I think this is a pretty good start though, I'm super open to feedback if anyone (especially someone who's been on the receiving end of this behaviour) wants to speak on it.
Thanks for reading!
