Oh my lordy lord lord. What a superb weekend for sports this has been; the horse racing triple crown drought is finally over, NHL and NBA finals are shaping up to be great, UEFA Champions finals, Tiger Woods shot the worst round of his career, French Open upsets and milestones, the list goes on and on. But after watching nothing but sports the past 70 hours, I have to say the X-Games were by far the most interesting and intriguing. I'll be honest, I know nothing of the Super Truck Competitive Race Series or whatever it's called. But I do know that I like 600+ horsepower engines and high speed hi-jinks, so of course it was the greatest thing of all time. So it got me thinking, "What were the top X-Games moments that I remember growing up?" And then I remembered I haven't wrote something in a while. That's how we got here. Just watch the videos, trust me.
Tony's 900 was cool, but...
Let's be honest, things have changed since Tony Hawk did the first 900 back in the day. I'd like to post an old school video though, and this is just absolutely surgical:
Metal Militia Represent
Mike Metzger is the man, hands down. How to win silver: do something that changes the sport of freestyle motorcross forever. How to win gold: do it again, twice as big.
Snap Back to Reality
Want to talk about the world's toughest man? Jake Brown gets a look for sure. Spoiler Alert: he ends up winning gold later in his career.
Legends. That is all.
Colin McRae.
If the X-Games ever taught me one thing, it was that the medal counts and the winning wasn't what really mattered. The X-Games are about pushing the boundaries and putting everything you got on display for one night only. These are not athletes. These are some of the craziest lunatics walking the planet right now. But come on, would you rather go to some silly Cirque du Soleil show, or experience true feats of danger and peril, and quite possibly even history? On that note, I'd like to leave you with not a legend, but more of a godly figure in the extreme sports world, one who really shows what X-Games is all about:
At risk of sounding immodest, I have the skills to be the G.O.A.T. when it comes to music criticism. Unfortunately I'm not gonna waste my time trying to be a music journalist, mostly because some asshole invented the internet, so there's no way to make even an iota of money writing about music anymore. Also, being a professional music critic means you have to spend most of your day trying to formulate an opinion on the completely unremarkable music your boss has mandated for review, which is a great way to quickly take all the fun and passion out of listening to music. Personally, I'm not about that life.
That being said, some of you poor souls are either delusional or self-depricating enough to believe you can be a professional music critic in the year 2015. If you're just starting out, writing a good review can seem like a daunting task, but it's actually kinda formulaic and super easy. However there are also a lot of opportunities for critics to stumble. If you want to write music reviews but don't know where to start, fear not! I've developed four tips to make writing good reviews easier. Here they are:
1. Keep your review between 250-550 words
Yo, real talk -- if your review is over 600 words, you're either rambling or talking out your ass. As a critic in 2015, you are no longer a gatekeeper of public opinion; you're a salesperson who's job is to tell us whether or not the album you're reviewing is worth listening to. We don't need a fucking dissertation -- provide us with some background info, talk about what you liked, talk about what you didn't like, conclude and BOOM, you're done. It goes without saying, but the length of your piece should be relative to the length of what you're reviewing. A two song single probably doesn't warrant a 500 word review, whereas a full length review shouldn't be under 300 words. In my opinion, mastering your word count is the most important skill when it comes to writing reviews. 2. Press kits are your friend
Sounding like an expert is really easy when you're talking about your favourite bands/genres/producers/whatever, but if you wanna write reviews with any regularity you're eventually going to have to step out of your comfort zone and cover something you have no reference for. When this happens, get your hands on the album's press kit (or talk to a member of the band) and refer back to the information when writing your review. The press kit puts the album in perspective and will give you a blueprint when trying to pinpoint references to the band's influences/earlier work. However (!!!), don't rely too heavily on the press kit. Make your own opinions up, or you'll sound like a poser to the band's fans/fans of the genre you're talking about.
Lie to yourself all you want, hxc kids. This is good music.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague
"Wall of sound", "poppy melodies", "smooth vocal delivery". As somebody who's spent more than their fair share of time reading about music, nothing jumps out and says "please disregard anything I have to say" more than when a reviewer pulls out a lazy cliche. Don't be like every other asshole and tell me the metal album uses "buzzsaw" guitars; explain what the guitars sound like. Is the guitar tone similar to the tone of another band? Did the guitar playing evoke a specific emotion in you when you heard it? If the answer to those questions is "nah, but it sounds like a buzzsaw" then the guitar playing is unremarkable and there's no point in talking about it. Please, for everybody's sake -- don't be lazy, use your own words.
4. Keep it in perspective!
This is big for me, as I can't tell you how many times I've looked back on something I wrote in like 2011 and thought; "damn, I can't believe I said something so stupid!" Look, I know you're 19 years old and you think you know everything. I'm sure you genuinely believe the new Turnstile record is gonna save hardcore and that Taylor Swift is literally worse than polio, but the fact of the matter is, your opinions are incorrect. There's nothing wrong with really liking or disliking something, but when you take that opinion out of the personal realm and start making grandiose statements about the band's legacy or whatever, you're entering dangerous territory. The impact of an album is something to be retrospectively decided years after it's release, not boldly predicted in your review. Trust me, if you start making outrageous statements about legacy, you will regret them.
~~~
Those are the four biggest pointers I could think of when it comes to writing album reviews. They aren't Sharia Law, but if you use them as guidelines, you'll be living your dream of getting paid peanuts to essentially provide free promotion for a multi-billion dollar industry in no time! There are some other important pointers to mention like "know your audience" and "use AP/CP style" but I'm not your Journalism 1 prof so I'm not gonna bore you with that stuff. Stay safe, and good luck with reviewing!
Some asshole's opinion: #1 trend on Facebook for 18 hours straight.
In the 48 hours since Caitlyn Jenner announced her transformation to the world, a lot of hateful nonsense has come to my attention through social media. From off-colour jokes and careless pronoun fuckups to straight up trans-bashing, I've seen pretty much every type of transphobic insensitivity imaginable cross my lap thanks to the valiant members of the "new left" I follow on various social media platforms.
See, I never spent any time in high school gym class, so I had no idea that redneck morons were insensitive to the plight of the transgendered. In the last 48 hours, my eyes have been opened, and I couldn't be more thankful for that. I would even go as far as to say that, for all the hard work they put in reblogging Buzzfeed articles and fighting with trolls, the faceless internet mob -- not Caitlyn Jenner -- are the real heroes of the trans community right now.
And heroes deserve to be recognized! So to you brave internet warriors, you last bastions of progressive liberalism; I extend my gratitude. Thank you for keeping vigilant watch on the safety of the trans community from your ivory towers! It was your furious typing and poignant, thoughtful sarcasm that, for 18 consecutive hours, cast the brightest of lights on the unforgivable transgressions of extremely relevant pop-culture icon Drake Bell. It was you, my brave knights, who unearthed the damning Instagram post that brought about the unfortunate, yet appropriate fall from grace of one Snoop Lion. It was your 800 word tumblr diatribe of poorly-regurgitated Gender Studies 101 rhetoric that renewed and revitalized the trans community in their fight for basic human rights! To you, the world is forever grateful.
I have no idea how you stayed so strong. There were plenty of opportunites to be distracted over the last 48 hours. You could have lost focus and started praising Jenner's unheralded courage, or applauding the remarkably talented Annie Leibovitz for composing the photograph that will be this generation's V-J Day in Times Square. You could have chosen to let the haters die on the vine, ignoring their shitty jokes and obvious trolling. Instead you pulled it together and did the right thing -- re-posted millions of articles from godawful content aggregate sites "calling out" random assholes. So on behalf of the entire trans community (who, as a cisgendered heterosexual, I'm apparently qualified to speak for) I would like to thank you for singlehandedly eliminating transphobia from the face of the earth. They literally couldn't have done it without you!
If only we could all be as brave as you, keyboard warriors. Keep on fighting the good fight.
The letter B. It's not all in your face like an A or an X or even those shithead Q's. B is a strong letter, a letter of passion and fire. And what's better than one B? Two Bs. You wanna know what's even better than two Bs. Ladies and Gents, may I present to you, the Triple B.
Now some of you are unfamiliar with the term "triple B" and you might left wondering, "Hey Trey, what in God's name are you talking about?" Without getting too much into the whole theory behind what makes a triple b mesmerizing, essentially, a triple B is what happens when you get three great things that start with the letter B and group them into something almost too awesome to be possible, but not too awesome to be impossibly imaginable. I know we are all a bunch of twentysomething year olds, so maybe you'll catch on once I put some pictures explaining in more detail.
The Classic: Beer, Bourbon, Barbecue
Look at this guy: Camo, check. Beer utility belt, check. Burgers on full blast, check. This guys ready to party. I know you can't see it with the naked eye, but there's a 93.7% chance that some of those pockets are filled with airplane Johnny Walkers. This Triple B has been tried and tested for thousands of years, and no matter how long us humans continue to do it, we will always strive to be kings of the grilled arts. If anyone ever invites you to this sort of gathering, please bring one of the aforementioned items, but if circumstances permit, you may pull a power play and bring the other food-related Triple B, as listed below:
The Fundamentals: Burgers, Brats, and Buns
Ever sit at home and wonder, "Damn, how can I enjoy being an apex predator in the quickest and most efficient way possible?" Look no further: red meat and enriched wheat products eliminate that thought. These are food items that have been evolving through time, constantly on the path to perfection. You see that picture up there? Yeah, if your a vegetarian, TRY and tell me that looks disgusting, I dare you.
The Rapper's Delight: Beamer, Benz, or Bentley
Three fantastic car companies, a hit rap song, girls who are so shallow that they are impressed with a material possession; this triple B amassed it's own fan base before Mr. Lloyd Banks put a name on it. Now, this triple B did have some turbulence. Back when I was in high school, this song came out, and I swear, the next year, over half the school owned one of these trusty mechanical steeds. But, with climbing insurance rates and gas prices, this triple B was served humble pie at the right time before it got too big for its own good (Thanks BP).
The Dream Girl: Blonde, Big Boobs, Big Butt
Surprisingly, it's much harder to find a PG-13, non-nude photo for this triple B than I originally anticipated. Women of the world, I let you in on a little guy secret: when you catch us checking out a girl and you ask us, "Do you think she's prettier than me?", we say no, and we genuinely mean it....most of the time. Every guy loves a stunning, voluptuous blonde. Don't try and act like you're better than all of us because you think you don't like blondes. You simply haven't seen a true triple B yet, and that's okay. One day you will, and you will remember that day for the rest of your life.
Of course, there's sports: The Killer B's
If you watched even the slightest bit of baseball in the 90's, then you are already well familiar with this triple B. This triple B is so potent, they are dubbed the Killer B's. Anytime you use the word "killer" as an adjective, good chance that shit could get real at any moment. Large discussion for this triple B stems from the 3rd member. Some say its Lance Berkman, some say Derrick Bell. Either way works for me to be honest. So what did these "Killer B's" do in baseball? Over 5 seasons, Biggio-Bagwell-Bell combined for a 75.1 WAR, while the Berkman version comes in at 52.8 WAR. In leyman's terms, the Killer B's were responsible for 15.02 and 10.58 wins each year. (respectively, of course) Stat Source: CBSSports.com and Baseball-Reference
Well, I hope I was able to give you some insight about the majestic Triple B. Comment below with some of your own Triple B's and always remember: 2 wrongs don't make a right, 3 rights makes a left, and once you see more than 3 B's, just sit down, shut up, and enjoy it.
Here is a very important top ten list to add to the endless compendium of meaningless lists on the internet. Eat your heart out, lovelies!
University of Florida Campus in Gainesville, FL. Arguably the best smelling place ever.
My Top 10 Favourite All Time Smells:
10. Fruit punch
9. Gasoline (feint)
8. Lavender
7. Sunscreen/dirt/sweat medley
6. The ocean
5. Baked apples
4. Dew
3. The entire state of Florida
2. New car
1. Dank ass kush
So there you have it folks, my top 10 favourite smells. Tune in next week to see if your local Cracker Barrel made it to my list of Top 10 Interstate Fast Food Bathrooms!
This week, we are here to talk about sports and the current state of athletics in North America (don't worry, everyone's invited). A lot of stuff goin' on in the media, and we don't take kindly to the way media has been portraying these athletes.
I'll go ahead and list the highlights of this post right now, so if you aren't interested, go do what you please. I won't be offended:
How I feel about LeBron James as of right now
The Tom Brady thing
Protentials with US sports due to USA being sandwiched between Canada and Mexico
Personal favorite athletes who exemplify true sportsmanship
Like I said, won't get offended this piece doesn't fit your fancy. Just here to spread some opinions, nadameen? Let's get crackin'!
LeBron, LeBron, LeBron...
Oh LeBron James. I'm not gonna lie; you play games with my mind like a teenage relationship. You do one thing really good, and you seem like a great person, then you do something that's like meh. I get it. You are media target number one at all times. Companies wanna pay you to promote their shit, you wanna play basketball, ya need to get paid to support your family, every little kid wants to be you and/or be better than you, and that's a lot of pressure. But I can sorta tell that your genuinely a good person, and probably one of the top athletes in the world. I still have a problem with the way your basketball game is, although that you've been producing like you have for so long, I'm starting to overlook it. You move too mechanically, you play as if you came from the future with supreme knowledge and half-cyborg, which to me, isn't a very appealing style of play. I personally think Carmelo and KD are more exciting to watch. Plain and Simple.
But Bron Bron, you gotta keep it loose, mentally and physically. I know you say the haters don't get to you, but I can tell the do a little bit, through the way you play, you speak to the media, etc. If you're the best basketball player in the world, you gotta look at it differently: no reason to keep reaching perfection, you'll never reach it. You just gotta gotta have fun with it, cause it won't last. And when it ends, do YOU want to remember yourself as the hardest working man in the league, or do you want to have fun and go out with a bang?
Deflategate: I feel dirty just saying it
This wasn't a scandal. It was a premeditated action. It was cheating. Sanctions. Punishment. I think I have the perfect picture for this:
Ahhh, that's better. Well, now that we have that out of the way, I'm going to make this as short as possible. Guys, this isn't the first time its happened. Any sort of sports scandal you see in the media, it's probably been done before, and to make it even worse, its more than likely been done at minor and youth levels. Now, deflating balls is cheating. Horrible sportsmanship, but now that the Patriots have been found out, they are gonna come back, clean and play by the rules and still dominate. And I'm not even a Boston sports fan. The fact that this is getting more coverage than the Aaron Hernandez case (you know, that guy that killed somebody) leaves me puzzled.
USA, Canada, and Mexico: Powerhouses, but could (and should) become a powercontinent for sports
America is in a great geographical location for sports. To the north, we have the Canadians, strong winter sports athletes, not to mention the best of the elites in the hockey world. As an American, I totally understand that the USA-Canada Olympic Ice Hockey rivalry is purely territorial. We never stand a chance, but we like to take our chances from time to time.
Now, to the south, our lovely neighbor Mexico. Mexicans have a passion so deep for soccer, it makes them good. Not that they need to make up for skill (traditionally, Mexico plays a very dribbling heavy style of play, individual skill is an absolute must), but its their love of the game that makes them always a serious opponent in international soccer.
What I don't get is why USA wants to continue to excel in sports at a national level? Truth be told, if American Football became an international sport, nobody would be able to compete with us. Look at the US Men's Basketball team. We don't even have to send our best players, and yet we still dominate basically every other country in the world. Woop-de-fucking-doo. We are good at something that no other country plays and a sport which we have no true competition. But any other sport that other countries play, America stands little to no chance in sports. Canada is the best hockey country in the world, makes up a large portion of teams in the NHL, and yet, the league struggles every year due to poor attendance, horrible marketing, and just a general lack of interest in the sport. If we had any sense and true pride, we would be pushing hockey more in the media, instead of some 4x6 inch ad that offers free parking if the Stars get a shut out.
Same goes with soccer. Americans always have this surge of soccer, usually during the world cup. Which is fine. You will never see me disapprove of someone else's patriotism expressed by supporting your countries national team. But, as with hockey, the sustainability of the interest for soccer fades rapidly once the USMNT gets knocked out. In my opinion, I think we need to start integrating the MLS more with international soccer. Sure, MLS teams stand no chance against a polished team like Manchester United, Real Madrid, or Bayern Munich, and that's okay. It's the exposure to better, foreign opponents that's going to raise interest in the volatile mind of an American sports fan. And once we can raise interest and awareness, uhh, I don't know if y'all know this, but sports with strong fan followings profit immensely financially and increase overall potential talent ceiling of the team, league, organization, club, etc, etc. Simply put: The more fans you have, the more money you make. The more money you make, the more financial freedom to spend on keeping better players playing in their home countries. The more your better players play in your home country, the better your national team becomes. The better your national team beco- I think you get the point.
Lastly, Good ole fashion Sportsmanship Awards (TVD Hiem style)
If you read all the way through this post so far, thank you and please share your comments down below. If you didn't read the post, but you were interested in seeing if your favorite athletes are on this list, I'm all for it and I hope I don't disappoint you too much. FINALLY, WITH THAT BEING SAID, I would like to hand out some TVD Hiem Sportsmanship Awards. This is more hall of fame, league of extraordinary gentlemen type shit rather than the Espys. Enough talk, here are 3 individuals well deserving of this award.
1. Brock Hekking, American College Football
Awarded For: Mullet. Check. Beats. Check. Pregaming Ray-Bans. Check. Dude, this guy is just a shining display of what its like when you have fun playing sports. Not to mention, he's a first-team conference player in a pretty talented conference.
2. Andrew "Hamburglar" Hammond, NHL Hockey
Awarded For: This guy earned is award for 2 things: 99% of it is what he did on the ice. Basically, 3rd string goalie, other guys get hurt, Hamburglar steps in, goes 20-1-2 (don't know hockey well, but that's gotta be pretty damn good), helps the Sens get into the playoffs, and just recently singed a deal worth about $3 million USD over 3 years. The other 1%? He's got the fucking Hamburglar painted on his goalie mask. Enough said.
3. The entire company GoPro
Awarded For: You really want to see happy people? Just go sift through the GoPro YouTube channel and you'll see tons of athletes and professionals doing some of the craziest things you can imagine. Definitely worth the look. Here's a personal favorite:
#TBT to last year, when I heard this song literally one million times a day on Flow 93.5 while driving my Weed Man truck around. Flow recently switched to some dumb format where it's apparently #TBT every day, which means all they play now are Aaliyah songs from 1998. So I guess #TBT to last year when Flow 93.5 was still good.
