The 20 Best < 2 min. songs of the last 20 years (Part 1)

This is pretty self explanatory. Why the last 20 years? Because 80's hardcore (for the most part) bores me senseless, and I don't want to deal with some weird troll whining about me not including some shitty Mission of Burma song written before he was born. I almost made an exception for "Out Of Step" and a Swingin' Utters song. Almost.

20. Anal Cunt- Hitler Was a Sensitive Man

A chilling, beautiful portrayal of post-Cold War society. Also, my little sister's favourite Anal Cunt Song.



19. Savage Brewtality- Ballad of the Yuke

The most (only??) structurally interesting song Savage Brew has ever written, "Ballad of the Yuke" is yet another chilling portrayal of... something... I can't really understand what they're saying, but after listening to it like five times, I'm pretty sure it's about drinking dregs. Again, compelling social commentary for sure.



18. The Melvins- Sweet Willy Rollbar

When people write two minute songs, do they even bother writing lyrics, or do they just mumble shit? Fortunately for The Melvins, it doesn't really matter, because this is arguably the finest minute and a half of grunge-punk ever recorded. Sweet guest vox by Chewbacca at the beginning, too!



17. Nirvana- Moist Vagina

Not to be outdone by their hometown heroes, Nirvana clock in at 17 with a demo version of their song "Moist Vagina". Why the demo? Well a) the actual song is over two minutes and b) two minutes is about as long as I can listen to someone sing about moist vaginas without getting bored/horny. The only discernible lyrics in this version are "She has a moist vagina" and "marijuana", and if that's not the basis for a great song, I don't know what is.



16. Bane- What Holds Us Down

Just when you thought this list was gonna be filled with fun songs about drinking dregs and Hitler's moist vagina, here comes Bane and their crunchy breakdowns, on some serious trip about society, as always. God damn straight edge kids always ruining the party...


15. Teenage Bottlerocket- Skate or Die

Ah, there we go... nothing like a pop-punk song about skateboarding to lighten the mood. To be honest, I can't tell if these guys are being sarcastic with this song. I mean, I'd pretty much expect TBR to be skateboarders judging by the music they play, but the singer certainly sounds sarcastic. To be honest, every Teenage Bottlerocket song sounds sarcastic... Maybe they're going for that "high-irony" hipster vibe. Fucking hipsters, with their PBR, shitty blogs, vaguely leftist political beliefs and snobby music tastes...



14. AFI- I Wanna Get a Mohawk

HAHAHA YEAH! AFI sure showed those 12 year-olds how uncool it is to co-opt punk rock trends that have been mass marketed to them. Watching little kids dress all outlandish just to fit in without truly understanding subculture sure pisses me off! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go to listen to Reinventing Axl Rose.




13. La Dispute- Then Again, Maybe You Were Right

An Open Letter to Jordan Dreyer of La Dispute:

Jesus Christ Jordan. I know you've got this whole warrior poet vibe going on, but can you write just one song that doesn't shatter our hearts and stomp on the pieces? I mean, it's a great song musically, but metaphorical ghosts of past lovers seems a little heavy, don't you think? Why not write a song about Mohawks or Chewbacca or something... there's plenty to work with here, bro.


12. End of a Year- McEnroe

Not only is this a great song, it showcases an interesting period in EOAY's musical development, as it's more melodic than much of their earlier stuff, but still very raw and punky. What, did you expect me to make a joke here? There ain't no time for joking. Self Defense Family is not no joke. What, you callin' me a house-nigga?



11. Converge- Buried but Breathing

In an interesting turn of events from the top of the list, this is the only Converge song with lyrics I can actually understand. Maybe there's some weird paradox where vocals in short songs get more discernible as the song gets better. That must explain why I picked this song over "Concubine", I can't understand a fucking word on that album. Sorry trolls, Petitioning the Empty Sky > Jane Doe.

This is getting really long, so I'm gonna break it up into two parts. See ya on the other side, nerds.