The Intelligence Vow

http://www.thefamilyleader.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/themarriagevow.final_.7.7.111.pdf

HOLY SHIT. 

It kills me when I have to be reminded that these types of people actually exist. Never mind the porn-banning or overt racism included in the pledge, the best part for sure (except for the capitalization error in the title, like are you serious?) is the end bit, when whoever signs this solemnly vows to never work with anyone who isn't a card-carrying, Kool-Aid sippin' member of this weird cult. This kind of psycho-babble wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't get past Armpit, Iowa City Council meetings where it belongs. However apparently GOP Candidate Michelle Bachmann hopped on board the crazy train and signed this thing. Come on y'all, let's ride that Bipartisanship to the promised land!

So, in light of this, I've decided to amend the marriage vow to fit my own political and personal beliefs. I'm going to call it "The Intelligence Vow", but only because the "Don't be a Fucking Tool Vow" is too long a title. I pretty much went word for word with the marriage vow, so it's best enjoyed with the marriage vow as a reference. Feel free to sign the vow in the comments section.

The Intelligence Vow

Rational thought and intelligence are at the heart of a designed and purposeful order- as conveyed by anyone with half a brain- upon which our concepts of morally inalienable human rights, racial justice and gender equality all depend.

Enduring open-mindedness and empathy for people with all points of view protects innocent children, vulnerable women, strong-minded women, various other types of women, and most types of men, who enjoy living without fear of reprimand from narrow-minded hicks who somehow find themselves in leadership/decision making roles. Our exceptional and free society simply cannot endure with the transmission of self-righteous bigotry stewed in ignorance, by means of deranged PTA moms, self-loathing closet gays and religious lunatics. As free-thinking individuals, we acknowledge and regret the hypocrisy of every TV news outlet, all of which claim to bring important, insightful information to viewers, while instead towing party lines and incessantly covering sensational non-stories. Unmistakably, enlightened opinions and open minds in America are in great crisis, as:

• Black people, despite being visibly successful in every aspect of society, are often patronized by made-up statistics to make it seem as if their entire race lives in some seedy project in southeast Chicago. This allows whites to feign sympathy while secretly hinting at how foolish it was to elect a negro president.
• Richard Nixon's War on Drugs was triggered by fear, impulse, and parent's refusal to talk to their kids about stuff. In 2006 the War on Drugs directly cost the US Government $30 billion, and an average of one million Americans are incarcerated on drug charges every year. In other news, millions of people worldwide continue to get high as shit on occasion without ruining their lives at all.
• About three million Americans suffer through “Jersey Shore” each week. Many of them do it on their own free will.
• The taxpayer borne social cost of organizations spinning statistics to fit their narrow minded ideologies exceeds US $112 billion a year, especially when the criteria for “taxpayer borne social costs” are as broad and unspecified as humanly fucking possible.
• Meaningful discussion, challenging thought and emotional expression are in jeopardy as we have collectively “debased the currency” of art, politics, culture and sexuality. This debasement continues as a function of “family first” politics; The Tea Party; 95% of Congress; Canadian Parliament as a whole; Donald Trump; major news media outlets; Twitter; Victory Records; pervasive stupidity and asshattery among politicians, celebrities, cocky athletes, and other rich, undeserving pricks; anti-scientific bias which holds, in complete absence of empirical proof, that God exists, that the King James Bible is the book of God, and that as simple-minded organisms we can enforce or even comprehend the will of an all knowing being; as well as anti-scientific bias which holds, in complete absence of scientific evidence, that homosexuality in particular, or sexual exploration in general, compromises individual or public health; and run on sentences.

The Candidate Vow

Therefore, in any elected or appointed capacity, or in my day-to-day dealings with other human beings and most four legged beasts, I the undersigned do hereby solemnly vow to cherish, defend and uphold the ideas of rational thought, intelligence, open-mindedness and empathy. I vow to do so through my:

• Acknowledgement of grey areas.
• Respect for love inclinations and sexual expression between all consenting adults.
• Official fidelity to the U.S. Constitution. All of it. Not just the second amendment to the Bill of Rights.
• Vigorous inquisition to any bullshit story or statistic made up by some god-fearing hick or self-righteous liberal douche. Or anyone else, for that matter.
• Recognition of the overwhelming statistical evidence that everyone has a god damn opinion, and more importantly, a right to have it.
• Ability to talk about things like a rational adult, even scary things like drug policy and teen sex.
• Steadfast embrace of just letting gays get married already, for Christ's sake.
• Humane protection of women by treating them like human beings who make mistakes and not heartless murderers, despite my personal views on abortion.
• Rejection of Sharia law, fundamentalism, voodoo tricks, and any system of government based entirely upon speculation, interpretation, and personal faith being enforced as law upon people who may not hold similar beliefs.
• Recognition that robust childbearing is NOT beneficial to U.S. Demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security, and that is sure as hell isn't beneficial to the health of the planet or the plight of third world nations.
• Suggestion to cut down on military spending. I mean, are you serious? Do you know how much money we spend on that shit? I bet if we stopped blowing up brown people and reinvested some of that money into schools and community centres then maybe some of these “marriage vow” problems would start to go away on their own.
• Fierce protection of the first amendment to the U.S. Constitution, but at the same time, recognition that white Christian men are not oppressed, and that nobody gives a shit about my religious beliefs.

We, the undersigned (and suddenly pluralized), do solemnly vow that no U.S. President, U.S. Presidential primary candidate – nor any primary candidate for the U. S. House, Senate, Governor, state or municipal office – will, in his or her public capacity, have to sign this stupid vow before we engage in any kind of political affiliation with them. What kind of narrow minded fuckwit makes somebody sign something saying they agree with every one of their poorly thought out, highly personal policies before they even begin to work with them for the good of the country they've sworn to represent? Seriously? We can't even fucking believe there are people who think that's a good idea, let alone the fact that some of them have been elected to make decisions on behalf of us. Like, fuck – are you four years old? Can't we all just behave like rational adults and agree to disagree on some shit while we work together on other shit for the good of the people who elected us to lead them? You know what? Never mind, we're moving to Kenya. Keep your stupid country, you dicks.

Allah'u Akbar